plus qu'hier, moins que demain.

why i am still a virgin

i feel dirty even talking about it.

like my mind should be cleansed with pinesol every time I think about intercourse.

but

I do think about it. Everyone does. And THEY say it’s overrated. I should get it over with. It’s always awkward-as-hell that first time anyways. and maybe
it’s true. That when you enter me for that first time all I will feel is the hair on your belly scratching mine, the way I rub my thighs with my palms when I’m worried. and maybe

all I’ll think is that you’re breathing too hard too fast to the rhythm of the noise I make with my mouth when I don’t suck on your tongue, hot as machinery metal factory fucking.

but

I choose not to believe this.

in my eyes sex is a beautiful thing, a sacred act.
our vulnerability is shared like the blanket we’d kick off when it gets sticky amid the sheets
and not sticky from heat or sweat or cum or tears but because LOVE is STICKY.

and all I want

is to love you when I’m fucking you. I want to scream it spit it hold it deep throat love until I am blind to apathy, hatred, greed, jealousy, envy

and we aren’t just fucking. we are making our vulnerability crash over us and we are clean.

no need for pinesol. there is nothing dirty or “wrong” with this sex. It’s love, it’s love, it’s love, it’s love, it is love.

this is why I am a virgin,

I don’t believe in sex to feel good to get over things to escape to pass the time. we could watch some shitty movie and talk and make out but that’s not love, it’s boredom,
unless

unless it’s with you.

and i don’t know yet if I know you, or if I will meet you soon. but I will, and I know

it will be better with me than an ex girlfriend ex lover web cam phone sex operator one night stand stranger danger

because i am a virgin for a reason